Hello! This episode we will be talking about the art form commonly known as woodmelting. I've been practising woodmelting for quite some time, and I must tell you it far supercedes all other forms of art.

For those of you who don't know, woodmelting involves launching hot things at wood to make it melt, then moulding it into an attractive shape. But how woodmelting is done is irrelevant in this rambling, because (and here's the reason) I'm going to tell you all how I learnt about it, not how to do it.

It was a long, long time ago. I was a mere child of sixteen (far too young, I think) and I was out on a helpful walk. I brought my dog with me, a Pomeranian named Schnauzer (or a Schnauzer named Pomeranian... I can never remember). I was walking Schnauzer along the side of the alleywalk when I heard a most delightful voice singing in a yard.

So, following the most obvious course of action, I bolted. I grabbed Pomeranian (or Pombles, as we used to call him) and ran for my dear life. Poor little Schnauzy, he must have got the shock of his life - I accidentally dropped him on some exposed cables.

Finally, the delightful singing subsided and I sighed a calm of relief. Certainly, I thought, this voice must be the voice of an old, old woman who looks like somebody from an old sitcom or something. So, daintily I walked back to the fence, and lit a match in order to see.

But as I held the match up to the fence, it started to warp and weft. As I held the match there, the wood formed into a most beautiful lump of wood. I have treasured it any since.